In the living room, the morning papers made the most out of nothing at all.

I don't like to say I forgot, or that I've been more okay with the fact that Krystine died two years ago. I like to think that I've just accepted it, but I still miss her every day.  The truth is I probably have forgotten and gotten used to the idea.  However, lately, I can't help but see her everywhere. 

I remember the first few months after she died were the worst months of my life. I couldn't think, eat or concentrate.  Every thought revolved around her, about what I could have done to prevent her leaving, or what I could have said to her to let her know how much she meant to me.

So, here goes. The story that I have never let myself repeat out loud or put into words. The story I never let my fingers type out to form words. The story of the last time I ever talked to Krystine. 

The date was August 2, 2006. It was my cousin Melissa's birthday party and Krystine had forgotten to buy her a present.  Saying Krystine was forgetful is an understatement.  Perhaps every important thing that needed to be remembered remained forgotten with her. So, she made plans with me to ditch the party for a while and go to Target and buy the present.  I was looking forward to spending some alone time with her. Krystine was one of the only people I felt I could talk to during my phase of teenage angst. She just seemed to have an answer to every problem and never judged me for thoughts or questions I had about myself.  

However, Krystine was also extremely flaky. This went hand-in-hand with being forgetful. She'd forget she'd have plans and end up ditching you in the end. So she ended up leaving for Target without me. Since being alone to talk with Krystine was a rarity, I was extremely mad at her for doing this. When she got back, I treated her with the utmost hostility. However, she kept smiling and cracking jokes until she got me to laugh.  

The thing is, I think this moment best sums up how Krystine was.  No matter how horribly you treat her, she always did something to make you laugh.  Back then, I had never met someone as genuine as her.  Someone who'd do you a favor with no alterior motives, no extrinsic motivation, but just for the sole excuse of doing you a favor. 

And I thought I've been okay these past few years without her. Then, I remember her, and I fall apart all over again. 

Revisiting the past

I visited my high school for the first time since I graduated. It was strange being there, almost surreal. The whole time I couldn't believe that I spent four years of my life there.  It's funny, I felt like I was physically too big for the place. 

Keep in mind, I was never someone who hated high school. I didn't particularly love it, either, but many fond and horrible memories occured in that building. I do believe that high school brought me one step closer to finding my own true personality and was key to my self-development.  

For so long, I always identified myself as a high school student. Visiting for the first time brought me to a rude awakening: I'm growing up.  For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to grow up.  However, now that my innocence and youth is quickly slipping away, I can't help but grip the life out of it and hang on. 

I feel my life has beena  fast-paced dream.  Perhaps Descartes' dream theory was correct. Maybe we're all just living in our own dreams, and this isn't real. But what I really think, what I truly believe is that we just want to believe that, so we can do everything in our power to keep from thinking that being a grown up is real.  

But it's happening, and we can't stop it. The only thing we can do is accept it and look forward to the future. 

So, I realize I may be late...

But this is one of the best albums I've heard in a long time. I actually just discovered them via my cousin Nikki and it's one of the most refreshing hip hop albums I've heard in a while.  It's a bit reminiscent of Lupe, with some N.E.R.D. thrown in there.  

Anyway, I'm home now. It's a little weird. I'm realizing more and more that East Lansing is definitely my home now, and that my friendships from the past are not as strong as I predicted. It makes me a little sad, but I guess the only thing I can do is move forward, and wish for the best. 

I also saw this movie tonight.

It was moving and inspirational, probably the best movie of the year.  It reminded me that anything is possible and one person can truly make a difference.  The ending even made me cry, a feat that is not so easily accomplished. 

First post?

I don't really know what to say in this, but I'd like to start posting entries with substance. 

I'm counting down the days until this semester ends.

2 days.